The Bachelor Recap: Hometown Zeroes

The end of February has brought good fortune…. the coldest month is almost over, Lady Gaga is now an Oscar winner, and it’s Bachelor Hometowns. HALLELUJAH!

Hometowns are our chance to see what pack of wolves these crazies have all been raised by, and we definitely get some insight into each of the final four. First up is Caelynn, who I’m surprised to find out is actually from my hometown of Fredericksburg, VA. When Caelynn takes Colton on a literal one block ride to get ice cream, she points out her pediatrician, which oddly enough was my pediatrician. That means Caelynn and I  *probably* shared a crayon box in the waiting room getting our flu shots.

After realizing there is literally nothing to do there, they head to her mom’s house where her stepdad sincerely checks to make sure she’s ready for an engagement and she’s confident that she’s “the one” for Colton (to dump after 8 months and a People Magazine cover.)

At the second hometown, Hannah G takes Colton to an etiquette class where he learns how to chew bread and walk, two things I doubted someone in Alabama would be able to teach correctly. Hannah comes from a long line of influencers  bad haircuts and her family is pretty much as stale and simple as she is. They’re easily persuaded to give Colton a blessing in case he decides he likes her more than the other Bachelorette wannabes left.

“It” being more instagram followers

Colton gets the Birdbox treatment and is blindfolded by Tayshia in the OC and must skydive before meeting her family. Once he makes it back to the ground, Tayshia’s family is actually pretty sweet and normal. Her dad basically shuts down a blessing for Colton, who tries his best to pretend he’s not full of sh*t like for once.

^That being a place of sanity

 

In general, this year all of the dad’s seem to be more guarded, including Cassie’s dad, who is the most apprehensive about Colton, saying “he seems like…. a guy.” So we’ve got that going. When Cassie sees her family, she and her blonde clone sisters squeal and baby talk about themselves and how they’re all perfect. Cassie then whines to her dad about how she’s a big girl and knows what she wants. 8 seconds later, she can barely spell the word love, much less say it to Colton.

Chris Harrison finally shows up to walk the girls five steps into the elimination ceremony, where Hannah G and Tayshia are both given roses. At last, the weird power couple of Caelynn and Cassie will be done, and to my surprise, Cassie is safe. Her crop top and peasant skirt deserved the boot alone, much less her annoying hometown date.

Casual Friday at the Office Rose Ceremony?

Blindsided and “fooled” by Colton, Caelynn is out and we’re reminded that next week we FINALLY get to see Colton jump the fence and maybe go to third base.

Virgin Count: around 4 times, but multiple this number by 800 when we get to the fantasy suites next week

Rose: Cassie’s dad for literally not giving a shit about Colton and flat out denying any sort of acceptance whatsoever

Thorn: My hometown and the producers for not reaching out to me to bring some sort of relevance to Caelynn’s 20 min outing in my place of birth.

We’re finally getting somewhere with this and next week we’re treated to TWO NIGHTS of drama, who’s ready?

-TW

 

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