The Bachelor Recap: She Said, She Said

We’re 7 long weeks into this show and it seems like these messy contestants are FINALLY living up to their messy potential. Fresh off their travels, the girls move stateside to Colton’s hometown of Denver. Right after Colton confesses that he’s nervous after receiving his THIRD warning that these girls are all basic and can’t commit from Katie, he decides to sit down with none other than Ben Higgins. It makes total sense to seek advice from someone that picked a winner, did an ABC family reality show with her, and then got dumped for her former tinder match….NOT.

The altitude in Denver might be high, but the tension is higher as the girls are all wigging out over who is getting the first one on one. Tayshia is given the honor and spends her date cooking brussel sprouts and talking mad shit about Caelynn and Cassie, essentially confirming the warnings of their inability to commit (unless it’s to being the Bachelorette) are true.

Tayshia is playing a dangerous game here. She’s the only one I   don’t despise and she’s testing the waters by throwing these two early favorites under the bus. None the less, he believes her enough to give her a rose and we’ve got one hometown spot locked in.

Next up is Caelynn, who spends her date on the slopes, talking trash about Tayshia after being told (by Colton) that she’s accused her of not being ready for marriage. I think we all know Colton LIVES for the drama (that he’s created.) Caelynn plays dumb and innocent and slithers her way into the second hometown spot.

A truly Oscar winning performance

Hannah B is rewarded the third one-on-one, and gets to meet Colton’s family. Mr. Clean Colton’s dad tells him to trust his gut about 400 times and later that night, allows Hannah B to profess her love for him before sending her home. Shocked and pissed, she makes it a point to also warm him of other’s intentions. TAKE A HINT COLTON.

Going into to the final group date, it’s obvious that it’s Tayshia & Kirpa vs. Caelynn & Cassie. On the date, it’s Heather who …. dare I  say…. make a mature decision and bows out gracefully. Who woulda thought? In an immature move, Kirpa and Cassie go head to head about what Tayshia said and it’s too much for Colton to bare.

When it comes to Colton:

The writing is on the wall with these girls. Even if it’s hear say, Kirpa is a better human, but that doesn’t seem to matter to him. Hannah G. gets pulled aside at dinner and gets a rose and out of literally nowhere, Caelynn shows up to bitch and moan about what I  assume is the rumors about Cassie. (These two are in a weird little pact and I don’t like it)

Apparently it works because Cassie is given the final rose and Kirpa politely holds back her tears for this moron until her limo exit. RIP to Kirpa, may we get to see you in Paradise where you’ll probably give us absolutely nothing.

So with that, I’ve realized we STILL don’t get the fence jump and honestly:

Virgin Count: 0…. but let’s change it to “follow your gut” Count, where it would be off the chart.

Rose: Never thought I’d say Heather, but even she knew she wasn’t feeling this fool anymore and didn’t want to waste her family’s time next week. She’s definitely Paradise bound this summer.

Thorn: Ben Higgins, for literally NOT GETTING A LIFE.

Next week is usually one of my favorite weeks, HOMETOWNS! We get to see exactly where these crazies come from, and that usually means a crazy sister, psycho dad or clingy mom, or all three if we’re lucky!

See you then,

TW

 

 

The Bachelor Recap: Shiny Objects

Week 6 is here, which means we’re basically half way through this shit show and the drama is *finally* heating up! We’re immediately thrown back into the cocktail party where On-yuck-a and Nicole are still being petty and Colton has had enough.

Quickly, they’re both shuffled out and I say good riddance. As we see this week, the heard starts to get thinned out real fast. The girls, dressed in their best draw string pants and crop tops, arrive in Vietnam. To no surprise, Hannah G. is given a one-on-one and girls like Demi and Sydney are not having it.

Raise your hand if you’re over the producers’ favoritism

At the first one on one, Hannah and Colton basically wrapped like a California roll and start fondling each other in a very disturbing way. After their rub down, Hannah and Colton bond over divorce after she lets him know that opening up is “not really her jam”…… I  wish I  was making this crap up.

To no surprise, the group date is a PHYSICAL ACTIVITY! Right when I’m annoyed that it’s probably another Lululemon endorsed strength training exercise we’re treated to Katie beating the s**t our of Demi, Bad Girls Club style! The real kick in the ass is definitely at the dinner portion of the night. Sydney, who has been pretty under the radar, decides to vent to Tayshia that’s she’s fed up with all these “shiny objects” and Colton not giving a shit about her.

I mean….

She decides to sit him down, and pull an Elyse, by bowing out. Her final warning is to tell Colton that he needs to focus on who’s here for an actual commitment. Shaken up, Colton proceeds to his final one one one with Kirpa. Post chin bandaid, Kirpa’s calm demeanor and relatively levelheaded personality spares her another week with these fame whores, and she’s given a one on one.

After her date, Demi decides to really show “Coco” that she cares and tells her that she is falling in love with him. Not sure if it was the call home to Mommy, or just Demi in general, but Colton was not having it and with that, our queen Demi has been taken out.

Chris Harrison drops another bombshell that they’re going straight into a rose ceremony and everyone is safe besides Katie, who was too good for this idiot anyway. Like Sydney,  and Demi, Katie warns Colton that there are still girls left who aren’t there for the right reasons.

Colton’s all:

Image result for mr krabs meme

With that said, the preview for the rest of the season gives a LOT way, has a LOT of tear, and I’m pretty sure the infamous fence jump is next week, thank you Jesus!

Virgin Count: twice, I’m liking that it’s dropping

Rose: Sydney calling others shiny objects is one thing, the producers panning to Demi, Hannah B and Caelynn is even better.

Thorn: Colton being shocked that someone, randomly, some of these girls may not be there for him or serious…. you kept Heather, what did you expect?

I  cannot wait for whatever the fence situation is about, and who will make it to hometowns!

Until then,

TW

The Bachelor Recap: Kisses and Disses

Happy Tuesday and happy February! In Bachelor Nation, we’ve reached Week 5. During Becca’s season, at this point, they were slumming it in Virginia (and as a native of the state, I’m allowed to say that) but the great and powerful Colton gets to take the girls to Thailand…. ABC is all about playing fair.

Upon their arrival, “never been kissed” Heather is chosen for an undeserved one on one, while Elyse starts to unravel when she realizes that attention hasn’t been on her for two episodes, but more on that later. The producers are doing THE MOST to make this about Heather’s first kiss. Close ups on food, Colton’s mouth, and a bunch of silent pauses finally lead to her first mouth swallowing under fireworks. Before we can get to it, she tells Colton she was seeing a guy after college (so like, last week) for 8 months and had NEVER kissed him.

Back at the Thai temple of crazy, Elyse has snapped. Twisting her hair in a con-air curling iron and putting on her best nude illusion “statement” gown, she quickly makes an Irish goodbye during Heather’s debriefing of her date to see Colton.

She basically mumbles for what feels like an eternity about how she can’t see herself doing the show accepting a proposal in the given time frame with all these other people dating him at the same time.  If her plan was to get this fame whore to drop these girls for her, it failed miserably and with that, she cries herself into the elimination van.

I  had such high hopes for Elyse:

In shock, Colton musters up the courage to participate in the group date, which is basically the girls in Lara Croft Tomb Raider costumes chewing on slugs and learning what trees are. During the evening portion, Onyeka decides to look out for Colton look petty, and tell him that Nicole is only on the show to leave Miami. I’d totally get it if it’s true, but it’s definitely not. Onyeka and her eyebrows play dumb when Nicole confronts her.

The following day, Cassie gets her first one on one date. 99.9% of the date is spent making out in every boat, island and body of water Thailand has to offer. During the other .1%, Cassie asks Colton for advise on how to accept that people will judge her… for NOT being a virgin.

At the cocktail party, we’re immediately treated to another Nicole and Onyeka spat, but only after Nicole tells Colton she’s been a bully. Honestly, I’m so sick of these two, right when I pray Colton has the chance to throw them out, he storms off and we’ll have to wait until next week.

Virgin Count: 3, all from Cassie’s mouth, about how she’s not one. (My eyes continue to roll as I type this)

Rose: Tayshia has somehow managed to guide the storyline, avoid drama, maintain Colton’s interest and get air time each week in an unoffensive way. She’s a Bachelor Unicorn.

Thorn: The fact that we were treated to several clips of Kirpa wearing a band-aid over her chin with no explanation. Did she fall? Did she run out of Pro-Activ? These are the things that keep me up at night!*

*I’ve been informed she needed stitches after trying to take a selfie, so there’s that

Next week’s trailer literally just compiles a lot of confusing clips of crying, shocked faces and Demi preparing to fight someone. So basically it looks like the best episode of the season so far!

Looking forward to being disappointed by it!

Until then,

TW

 

The Bachelor Recap: Crazy Rich Idiots

Hello Bachelor fans and welcome to week 4! Usually at this point, the ladies are gifted with a lame trip down the coast or to ski resort in the middle of nowhere for having done absolutely nothing. This year, things are different. The group is so boring that they get to go somewhere the show has never gone before, Singapore! Even though half the group can’t locate it on a map, and the other half can’t spell it, they’re living out my a Crazy Rich Asians fantasy.

Tayshia, perhaps the last “normal” one I  can think of, is given the first one on one date, where Colton hopes they don’t die. The only thing I can hope is that I don’t die… of boredom. After some bungee jumping and a pretty mediocre dinner date, it’s safe to say that my hopes were not realized.

Don’t worry Tayshia, I already have

Back at the penthouse, Hannah B is crossing her fingers that Caelynn doesn’t get the one-on-one date, which means that she 100% does. The group date follows the other 13 women around Singapore with Colton, trying to take in some local culture. That loosely translates to having leeches stuck to their fit-tea drinking tummies and choking down some local fish eyes.

The real fun begins when Courtney whines all night that she hasn’t had a chance to speak to Colton and begins to throw a fit when Demi speaks to him for more than the allotted 5 minutes they’re given. It still shocks me that some of these girls don’t understand the concept of getting off their ass to make shit happen.

When will these girls learn?

The following day, Caelynn is deservingly  treated to a whole new wardrobe on her one-on-one, and Cassie loses her shit. As much as I  want to smack her, I also feel entitled to a bunch of designer clothes for having done nothing to earn them. At dinner, she opens up about her past in a very sincere and vulnerable fashion. Colton’s comparison to her situation to his viriginity was about as classless as whatever Demi is wearing this week.

We’re quickly shuffled into the cocktail party, where Hannah G gets Colton’s tongue rammed down her throat, ya know, to make sure she feels comfortable. Moments before it’s time for the next chop, Courtney and Demi play dirty by calling each other the cancer of the house, but Dr. Demi reigns victorious and Courtney and Tracy and sent packing!

The lesson here is that Demi stays winning, for now at least!

Virgin Count: Twice, during Colton’s tasteful display of support and selflessness towards Caelynn

Rose: I’d say Demi, but honestly, Kirpa has done NOTHING and continues to get free food, drinks, travel and housing… she is goals right now

Thorn: The Fairmont Singapore for feeling the need to host these fools to promote themselves

So next week looks super “dramatic” but I’m not buying it, since every week isn’t living up to the hype. Where is the scene where Colton jumps over that fence? That’s like 90% of why I’m watching this season.

Until then, see you next week!

TW

 

The Bachelor Recap: A Pirate’s Life For Me

It’s Week 3, and sh*t is getting serious here in Bachelor Nation. Some of these girls are starting to actually like Colton gain fans and endorsement deals, which means the claws are OUT. Let’s jump right in.

We go straight into our first group date, a pirate themed dinner theater experience, sure to give these Yo-Ho-Hos a chance to snag some one on one of time with our favorite swashbuckler, Colton. It’s quite obvious that this week is all about the tension between beauty queen alums Caelynn and Hannah B. As it stands on this group date, Caelynn reigns victorious.

You’re like the number one Yo Ho Ho

The evening festivities continue in a bizarre antique prop shop, where Demi proceeds to giggle and fondle Colton with a fake hand while he wears a blindfold.

Total Birdbox Vibes

Just when things are going well, Hannah decides to make the ultimate Bachelor mistake, and starts telling Colton about her past with Caelynn. This goes over just as well as you’d assume, and here begins the drama. You done fucked up, Hannah. Caelynn is pulled aside, pulls out the tears and is quickly given the date rose.

I’m not sure if it’s the fact that I  just watched the Fyre Festival documentary (highly recommend) but I  am still getting a scam artist feeling from Caelynn. Both of these pageant girls just want to beat each other.

Elyse, the only mature and normal one we’ve seen in a while, is given a one-on-one in San Diego. The only ray of light is Elyse herself, but her touching personal story is only watered down by an unnecessary Bachelor troupe, an irrelevant country artist singing a song we don’t know for a “private concert” with 200 of their closest seat fillers recording the entire thing for their snapchats.

On this week’s third date, the second group straps on their best Fabletics to compete in a “Strong Woman” competition and although Onyeka wins the contest, the real noteworthy moment goes to Caitlyn. She quickly “opens up” about how her life is basically very normal and she is looking for a partner that is willing to….. go out with her friends for a “ridiculous silly evening.” Colton quickly pulls a Thank you, Next and shuffles her into a limo and eliminates her.

She should know by now that a tragic backstory is the backbone on every mildly successful relationship on this show. Now that all the girls “respect Colton” for that decision, they’re *shocked* to learn a pool party will be replacing the cocktail party.

Image result for pretends to be shocked

We get another 10 mins of Caelynn and Hannah B drama, including Hannah’s bizarre lion roar and a brief counseling session with Chris Harrison who could give 2 sh*ts.

At the Rose Ceremony, we say goodbye to Catherine, who never reached her full potential, but Tracy and Hanna B. live to see another day! Are we surprised…not in the slightest.

Virgin Count: Once! Only because Cassie has to mention he’s no long a “stretching virgin”

Rose: Demi, she’s the only one that stirs the pot, narrates the drama and actually makes a move on Colton. Paradise is waiting for you!

Thorn: The amount of athleisure I’m seeing is surpassing the amount of tears

Next week, the girls are undeservingly gifted a trip to Singapore and it looks like plenty of fights start to break out, can’t wait till then!

-TW

The Bachelor Recap: Virgin Territory

Happy Tuesday and congratulations to you, as you’ve survived another episode of The Bachelor! In week 2, we’re immediately forced to watch Colton’s webcam update on what’s to come this week. I’m already not here for the influencer-esque filming, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

We’re treated to our very first group date, where comedy couple Megan Mullally and Nick Offerman assist the ladies with opening up with funny “first” stories to perform to a crowd. It makes absolutely not sense, which means is the perfect idea for a first date. I’m honestly a little confused why they’re here, but a gig is a gig, right?

Of course, Colton opens up this Ted Talk first date, with a monologue about…what else… being a virgin. UPDATE: WE’RE ALL OVER IT. Hearing about Hannah G. not being asked out and Bri feeling comfortable in her own skin really made them more relatable…. not.

RHOBH Enough GIF - RHOBH Enough Stop GIFs

Demi commands the most attention throughout the whole date. Does anyone else feel like she’s a aggressive and hyper-sexual Polly Pocket come to life? Whatever she is, she’s rubbing Tracy the wrong way. Tracy immediately starts to unravel and it’s only a matter of time until these two are sitting on an iceberg on a 2-on-1 date, can’t wait for that!

Elyse, the resident cougar at 31 (her words, not mine) has enough substance and stability to grab the group date rose. Although we’re subjected to more footage of Demi playing with her dress and eavesdropping,  I could honestly say I could watch her for hours.

Peek Checks Out GIF by The Bachelor

The next morning, “Alabama” Hannah B. is awarded the coveted first one-on-one to some horseback riding around some random rock formations. Hannah is so in her head that she can barely drum up anything to say, besides mentioning it’s HER BIRTHDAY for the 18th time. It is literally not about you HANNAH, this is about Colton’s journey! Once she opens up…. by asking about his virginity, all is well and it’s the “best day of her life.”

Our second group date is at Camp Bachelor, full of Fabletics and poorly played games of badminton. Billy Eichner makes a guest appearance, not sure why, to poke more fun with virgin jokes and the girls are broken into two teams. You’ll probably see the red team in Paradise and you’ll probably never see the yellow team again.

The Red Team wins, and Heather gets to tell Colton she’s never been kissed. This moment of vulnerability and honesty leads to…. a (sympathy) date rose and no kiss. I’ve cringed too much this week already. Make it stop.

We’re quickly shuffled to our next rose ceremony and cocktail party and surprise surprise, Tracy is triggered once again by Demi, who proceeds to try to make amends by calling her an “amazing story teller.” I  wish I  was making this sh*t up.

She does…they’re just in jail, remember Caitlin #7

The usual suspects make it through round two and although I think Tracy’s face might have completely melted off, she is the last called and we get a few tears from our dearly departed (who I can’t name due to their lack of being relevant enough for me to remember)

Virgin said: 11 times, but honestly it feels like it’s also in every third sentence

Rose: I’m really liking Elyse, mostly because she’s not Tracy or Heather

Thorn: The way Colton speaks, and what he speaks about and the way his mouth moves

Next week it looks like we get some screaming and a pool party hot mess. I’m mostly looking forward to the downfall of Tracy at the hands of Demi, who’s with me?

-TW

 

The Bachelor Recap: Season Premiere

If you follow me on Instagram, you’d know that I’m quite the connoisseur of The Bachelor. Of all of the reality shows I  watch, The Bachelor is perhaps the most deluded. I’ve been watching this garbage off and on since it started, backed in 2002. So yes, I  was consuming all of these unhealthy relationships and scripted drama since I was in 2nd grade. (probably explains a lot, now that I think about it)

Over the past few seasons of The Bachelor, Bachelorette and Bachelor in Paradise, I’ve been chronicling my thoughts on each episode via Instagram stories. I’ve decided trying a weekly recap would be a fun way to channel all of my thoughts of my favorite love to hate program! As mentioned on IG, these thoughts are meant as a fun diversion from a ridiculous show, not to be taken seriously. So let’s begin shall we:

Introducing: Colton’s Season: Episode 1: Waste Management 

The beginning of a new season means our favorite trash collector (in our case, Chris Harrison) introduces us to 30 new try-hards and wanna be’s vying for a former reject, so it’s only fitting that with all this new garbage, we title this premiere Waste Management.

We’re greeted by Chris Harrison, letting us know that this torture premiere is THREE HOURS. The longer these are, the more b.s. footage of former constants, clips from pasts seasons and in this case, cuts to my least favorite couples (Ashley I. and Jared & Krystal and “Goose”) we are given. Seriously, I’m here to start roasting first looks, not Krystal’s weird bathhouse fantasies. (vomit)

Krystal:

Me:

It takes us almost a FULL HOUR until we get to the first night at the mansion, but before that, we get some b-roll of a handful of the women. First, Cassie, a speech pathologist, who is definitely on the Fab Fit Fun box fast track, a dental hygienist (because of course), a Miss Alabama (over her already) and my favorite from this bunch, Demi…. a Raven/Tia hybrid with a OITNB twist. During her interview she gets a quick call from prison from her mom, in the joint for embezzlement, but never fear, she may see her if she gets out in time for hometowns. WE CAN ONLY HOPE!

We’re then given b-roll on Colton, showering, throwing around a medicine ball and letting us know that he:

  1. was in love with Becca (total lie)
  2. A chubby child (….Colton, I’m still chubby, STFU)
  3. and last but not least… a virgin… a plot point that we already know will be played out to death

We’ve established the players, now let’s get to the game. Of course, the coveted spot is the first limo exit. In seasons past, front runners, future bachelorettes and winners usually step out first. So as much as I  hate myself, I  waited on baited breath to see… and we get…… DEMI?!?! WTF, this is a complete shock and so is her little $450 banana yellow Sherri Hill crop top piece… (yes, I googled her outfit)

Honestly, no one is standing out, and the limo reveals go fast. Caelynn (who I’m certain is a future shit stirrer) wants to go from Miss North Carolina to Miss Underwood…. you mean, Mrs. but… we’ll look past that. My least favorite look by FAR is Kirpa’s. See this Dillard’s ensemble below:

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Back to the rest of the drivel; we get a sloth and a few more poorly planned out virgin puns. I can tell both Hannahs will do well, and at this point, if I see one more 23 year old come out of the car, I’m gonna lose it. Colton finally gets his cocktail and the first one to “steal him for second” is DEMI.. she is working for it.

The only people standing out during the cocktail hour are Hannah G, who I’m calling content creator barbie for now, as within the 3 hours the show was on, gained 40k Instagram followers(GOALS), both pageant girls and of course, Catherine. Despite Oneyka’s attempts to be “honest” with her, Catherine takes him away 4 times. Making enemies fast I  see! She is definitely our resident villain who is part Corinne and part Krystal. I’m sure her delusional behavior will make us love her more when she inevitably goes to paradise this summer.

Before the rose ceremony, Hannah G. gets the first impression rose. Which is only a little surprising because usually the Bachelor picks one of the aggressive future villains. (think Olivia Caridi or Britt) but Hannah G. is probably here for the long haul.

… and I  was like….

To no surprise, Catherine is the last girl called before the sun fully sets and then rises on night one. We get treated to a second extended trailer of the season which has more footage of crying, Colton walking on snow covered mountains and then more virginity talk.

Each week I’ll be doing a rose (favorite girl) and thorn (least favorite moment) and just for Colton, a Virgin word counter:

Virgin said:  25 times, but this seems low, I lost count

Rose: Katie, the sales rep, who seems like she actually has substance, which means she will definitely be eliminated in the next 2-3 weeks, and he’ll say “I  just wish we had more time to get to know each other”

Thorn: This unnecessary fan viewing party footage, more specifically this crack head who loves Ben Higgins.

No you’re not….

With that said, night one is over and I’ll be back next week to recap what I’m sure will be the MOST DRAMATIC season yet! Check out my instagram stories during and after each episode for more! Comment below on your thoughts on your initial thoughts on this season.

Happy watching!

TW