The Bachelor Recap: A Pirate’s Life For Me

It’s Week 3, and sh*t is getting serious here in Bachelor Nation. Some of these girls are starting to actually like Colton gain fans and endorsement deals, which means the claws are OUT. Let’s jump right in.

We go straight into our first group date, a pirate themed dinner theater experience, sure to give these Yo-Ho-Hos a chance to snag some one on one of time with our favorite swashbuckler, Colton. It’s quite obvious that this week is all about the tension between beauty queen alums Caelynn and Hannah B. As it stands on this group date, Caelynn reigns victorious.

You’re like the number one Yo Ho Ho

The evening festivities continue in a bizarre antique prop shop, where Demi proceeds to giggle and fondle Colton with a fake hand while he wears a blindfold.

Total Birdbox Vibes

Just when things are going well, Hannah decides to make the ultimate Bachelor mistake, and starts telling Colton about her past with Caelynn. This goes over just as well as you’d assume, and here begins the drama. You done fucked up, Hannah. Caelynn is pulled aside, pulls out the tears and is quickly given the date rose.

I’m not sure if it’s the fact that I  just watched the Fyre Festival documentary (highly recommend) but I  am still getting a scam artist feeling from Caelynn. Both of these pageant girls just want to beat each other.

Elyse, the only mature and normal one we’ve seen in a while, is given a one-on-one in San Diego. The only ray of light is Elyse herself, but her touching personal story is only watered down by an unnecessary Bachelor troupe, an irrelevant country artist singing a song we don’t know for a “private concert” with 200 of their closest seat fillers recording the entire thing for their snapchats.

On this week’s third date, the second group straps on their best Fabletics to compete in a “Strong Woman” competition and although Onyeka wins the contest, the real noteworthy moment goes to Caitlyn. She quickly “opens up” about how her life is basically very normal and she is looking for a partner that is willing to….. go out with her friends for a “ridiculous silly evening.” Colton quickly pulls a Thank you, Next and shuffles her into a limo and eliminates her.

She should know by now that a tragic backstory is the backbone on every mildly successful relationship on this show. Now that all the girls “respect Colton” for that decision, they’re *shocked* to learn a pool party will be replacing the cocktail party.

Image result for pretends to be shocked

We get another 10 mins of Caelynn and Hannah B drama, including Hannah’s bizarre lion roar and a brief counseling session with Chris Harrison who could give 2 sh*ts.

At the Rose Ceremony, we say goodbye to Catherine, who never reached her full potential, but Tracy and Hanna B. live to see another day! Are we surprised…not in the slightest.

Virgin Count: Once! Only because Cassie has to mention he’s no long a “stretching virgin”

Rose: Demi, she’s the only one that stirs the pot, narrates the drama and actually makes a move on Colton. Paradise is waiting for you!

Thorn: The amount of athleisure I’m seeing is surpassing the amount of tears

Next week, the girls are undeservingly gifted a trip to Singapore and it looks like plenty of fights start to break out, can’t wait till then!

-TW

The Bachelor Recap: Virgin Territory

Happy Tuesday and congratulations to you, as you’ve survived another episode of The Bachelor! In week 2, we’re immediately forced to watch Colton’s webcam update on what’s to come this week. I’m already not here for the influencer-esque filming, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

We’re treated to our very first group date, where comedy couple Megan Mullally and Nick Offerman assist the ladies with opening up with funny “first” stories to perform to a crowd. It makes absolutely not sense, which means is the perfect idea for a first date. I’m honestly a little confused why they’re here, but a gig is a gig, right?

Of course, Colton opens up this Ted Talk first date, with a monologue about…what else… being a virgin. UPDATE: WE’RE ALL OVER IT. Hearing about Hannah G. not being asked out and Bri feeling comfortable in her own skin really made them more relatable…. not.

RHOBH Enough GIF - RHOBH Enough Stop GIFs

Demi commands the most attention throughout the whole date. Does anyone else feel like she’s a aggressive and hyper-sexual Polly Pocket come to life? Whatever she is, she’s rubbing Tracy the wrong way. Tracy immediately starts to unravel and it’s only a matter of time until these two are sitting on an iceberg on a 2-on-1 date, can’t wait for that!

Elyse, the resident cougar at 31 (her words, not mine) has enough substance and stability to grab the group date rose. Although we’re subjected to more footage of Demi playing with her dress and eavesdropping,  I could honestly say I could watch her for hours.

Peek Checks Out GIF by The Bachelor

The next morning, “Alabama” Hannah B. is awarded the coveted first one-on-one to some horseback riding around some random rock formations. Hannah is so in her head that she can barely drum up anything to say, besides mentioning it’s HER BIRTHDAY for the 18th time. It is literally not about you HANNAH, this is about Colton’s journey! Once she opens up…. by asking about his virginity, all is well and it’s the “best day of her life.”

Our second group date is at Camp Bachelor, full of Fabletics and poorly played games of badminton. Billy Eichner makes a guest appearance, not sure why, to poke more fun with virgin jokes and the girls are broken into two teams. You’ll probably see the red team in Paradise and you’ll probably never see the yellow team again.

The Red Team wins, and Heather gets to tell Colton she’s never been kissed. This moment of vulnerability and honesty leads to…. a (sympathy) date rose and no kiss. I’ve cringed too much this week already. Make it stop.

We’re quickly shuffled to our next rose ceremony and cocktail party and surprise surprise, Tracy is triggered once again by Demi, who proceeds to try to make amends by calling her an “amazing story teller.” I  wish I  was making this sh*t up.

She does…they’re just in jail, remember Caitlin #7

The usual suspects make it through round two and although I think Tracy’s face might have completely melted off, she is the last called and we get a few tears from our dearly departed (who I can’t name due to their lack of being relevant enough for me to remember)

Virgin said: 11 times, but honestly it feels like it’s also in every third sentence

Rose: I’m really liking Elyse, mostly because she’s not Tracy or Heather

Thorn: The way Colton speaks, and what he speaks about and the way his mouth moves

Next week it looks like we get some screaming and a pool party hot mess. I’m mostly looking forward to the downfall of Tracy at the hands of Demi, who’s with me?

-TW

 

The Bachelor Recap: Season Premiere

If you follow me on Instagram, you’d know that I’m quite the connoisseur of The Bachelor. Of all of the reality shows I  watch, The Bachelor is perhaps the most deluded. I’ve been watching this garbage off and on since it started, backed in 2002. So yes, I  was consuming all of these unhealthy relationships and scripted drama since I was in 2nd grade. (probably explains a lot, now that I think about it)

Over the past few seasons of The Bachelor, Bachelorette and Bachelor in Paradise, I’ve been chronicling my thoughts on each episode via Instagram stories. I’ve decided trying a weekly recap would be a fun way to channel all of my thoughts of my favorite love to hate program! As mentioned on IG, these thoughts are meant as a fun diversion from a ridiculous show, not to be taken seriously. So let’s begin shall we:

Introducing: Colton’s Season: Episode 1: Waste Management 

The beginning of a new season means our favorite trash collector (in our case, Chris Harrison) introduces us to 30 new try-hards and wanna be’s vying for a former reject, so it’s only fitting that with all this new garbage, we title this premiere Waste Management.

We’re greeted by Chris Harrison, letting us know that this torture premiere is THREE HOURS. The longer these are, the more b.s. footage of former constants, clips from pasts seasons and in this case, cuts to my least favorite couples (Ashley I. and Jared & Krystal and “Goose”) we are given. Seriously, I’m here to start roasting first looks, not Krystal’s weird bathhouse fantasies. (vomit)

Krystal:

Me:

It takes us almost a FULL HOUR until we get to the first night at the mansion, but before that, we get some b-roll of a handful of the women. First, Cassie, a speech pathologist, who is definitely on the Fab Fit Fun box fast track, a dental hygienist (because of course), a Miss Alabama (over her already) and my favorite from this bunch, Demi…. a Raven/Tia hybrid with a OITNB twist. During her interview she gets a quick call from prison from her mom, in the joint for embezzlement, but never fear, she may see her if she gets out in time for hometowns. WE CAN ONLY HOPE!

We’re then given b-roll on Colton, showering, throwing around a medicine ball and letting us know that he:

  1. was in love with Becca (total lie)
  2. A chubby child (….Colton, I’m still chubby, STFU)
  3. and last but not least… a virgin… a plot point that we already know will be played out to death

We’ve established the players, now let’s get to the game. Of course, the coveted spot is the first limo exit. In seasons past, front runners, future bachelorettes and winners usually step out first. So as much as I  hate myself, I  waited on baited breath to see… and we get…… DEMI?!?! WTF, this is a complete shock and so is her little $450 banana yellow Sherri Hill crop top piece… (yes, I googled her outfit)

Honestly, no one is standing out, and the limo reveals go fast. Caelynn (who I’m certain is a future shit stirrer) wants to go from Miss North Carolina to Miss Underwood…. you mean, Mrs. but… we’ll look past that. My least favorite look by FAR is Kirpa’s. See this Dillard’s ensemble below:

eea1a046-6b76-41b6-bd28-32c8a9bf56c3-150365_0647.jpg

Back to the rest of the drivel; we get a sloth and a few more poorly planned out virgin puns. I can tell both Hannahs will do well, and at this point, if I see one more 23 year old come out of the car, I’m gonna lose it. Colton finally gets his cocktail and the first one to “steal him for second” is DEMI.. she is working for it.

The only people standing out during the cocktail hour are Hannah G, who I’m calling content creator barbie for now, as within the 3 hours the show was on, gained 40k Instagram followers(GOALS), both pageant girls and of course, Catherine. Despite Oneyka’s attempts to be “honest” with her, Catherine takes him away 4 times. Making enemies fast I  see! She is definitely our resident villain who is part Corinne and part Krystal. I’m sure her delusional behavior will make us love her more when she inevitably goes to paradise this summer.

Before the rose ceremony, Hannah G. gets the first impression rose. Which is only a little surprising because usually the Bachelor picks one of the aggressive future villains. (think Olivia Caridi or Britt) but Hannah G. is probably here for the long haul.

… and I  was like….

To no surprise, Catherine is the last girl called before the sun fully sets and then rises on night one. We get treated to a second extended trailer of the season which has more footage of crying, Colton walking on snow covered mountains and then more virginity talk.

Each week I’ll be doing a rose (favorite girl) and thorn (least favorite moment) and just for Colton, a Virgin word counter:

Virgin said:  25 times, but this seems low, I lost count

Rose: Katie, the sales rep, who seems like she actually has substance, which means she will definitely be eliminated in the next 2-3 weeks, and he’ll say “I  just wish we had more time to get to know each other”

Thorn: This unnecessary fan viewing party footage, more specifically this crack head who loves Ben Higgins.

No you’re not….

With that said, night one is over and I’ll be back next week to recap what I’m sure will be the MOST DRAMATIC season yet! Check out my instagram stories during and after each episode for more! Comment below on your thoughts on your initial thoughts on this season.

Happy watching!

TW