Bachelorette Recap: Mr. Wrong

The first full night in the Bachelorette mansion has finished and we’re back for Week 2 of Hannah’s search for anyone but Luke P. love! After skipping around the mansion, she’s ready to get the party started with her first official group date.

Our first group date of the season is none other than a Hannah themed affair, a pageant! This “Mr. Right” Pageant is pretty wrong in general, but is saved for two reasons and two reasons only. 1. Producers decide to class up the joint with real talent and entertainment with Drag Stars Alyssa Edwards and Alaska of Drag Race fame and none other than ANTM’s Miss Jay. (It’s as if my crossover dreams came true, now only if Tyra herself was doing the rose ceremony)

Shante only these three stay

When Alyssa let’s them know they’ll be wearing speedos and performing a talent, my eyes start to roll. But then I  realize that Jed is on the date and then I’m quickly forgiving producers and Hannah for such a christ trap of a date.

To refresh your memory, this is Jed:

I  digress, Jed and some of the others impress and then we’re forced to watch Luke P, who decided his talent is literally telling Hannah he loves her…. it’s been 48 hours honey…. CALM DOWN. WE’VE GOT A STAGE 5 CLINGER.

Hannah and the judges are too blinded by Luke’s abs to remember Jed just did a great job being a second rate Justin Timberlake and is awarded “Mr. Wrong Right.” Luckily it doesn’t matter because Jed wins the first date rose, and that is the finest justice served.

Back at the frat house…errr… mansion, the first one on one date card is read aloud and it’s going to….. Tyler G. I  know what you’re thinking…. WHO? Literally unclear but Hannah calls him a hotter Tim Tebow so sure, let’s go with it. A mud slinging date (where she’s forced to wear all white) ends with a kiss and him saying he’s feeling very connected to her. I’ll point out he’s never looked at her in the eyes once. Classic.

It’s like they’re trying to annoy me with these little bits.

Now it’s time for the second group date, and the junior varsity suitors get to roll around a roller derby and bust their ass for no reason whatsoever. After the outing, they’re taking to that weird abandoned vintage furniture store in LA that literally EVERY season of this show goes too. Does ABC own this place?

It’s all going smoothly and then weird AF Cam shows up to “ABC” (always be Cam) and brings the most pathetic grocery store floral bouquet to surprise Hannah. It goes over like you’d think with the other guys. Basically every guy confronted Cam but no one threw a punch so it felt pointless to me.

As the rose ceremony approaches Hannah B comes in with another dress that’s got a GIANT slit on the side, (is this her signature?) and starts to cry because she’s so happy. She’s soooooo extra. She talks to all the guys and we get this pathetic moment.

I’d say no, only accepting ranch for anyone wondering!

I   can’t forget that Hannah goes XXX with Luke P. taking off his shirt during the cocktail hour and our beloved Jed is subject to being told by producers to walk in walking in on it. She looked like an idiot and Luke is still the worst.

It’s time to make another cut and unfortunately Cam STAYS! But we knew this, as he’ll probably be on a 2-on-1 where he’ll get humiliated, left on a volcano or trapped in a well… whatever the producers find most fitting.

Roll Tide Counter: 0?! Kinda shocked, maybe we should change this to “y’all” because I  know we’d have plenty of those.

Rose: Jed, this might turn into a Jed fan page. I’m just wondering if an EP about this “journey” is gonna be linked in his Insta bio soon.

Thorn: Luke, this might into a anti-Luke fan page. I  cannot wait till he is exposed for the little psychopath he is.

So far, so entertained. Jed is in, we have a few villains and she’s cried so the formula is in tact. Looking forward to see what’s next!

Until then,

TW

The Bachelor Recap: Cry Me A River

Alright friends, we’ve FINALLY made it to the end of Colton’s “journey” and man has it been exhausting. We’ve seen Demi fight with “cougars”, beauty pageant queens bicker, Colton jump a fence, and a whole lot of editing of bad b-roll.

This is a 2 day, 4 hour finale (which in my opinion could be wrapped up in 10 minutes) begins with a Ghost-Hunters type search for Colton, who is ready to go pull a Homeward Bound and kiss Bachelor Nation goodbye with a lot of tears. Chris Harrison pulls him back and gets him to talk out his issues. Colton decides he’s ready to throw the deuces up to Tayshia and Hannah G, because he can “read people really well” and knows Cassie loves him…..are we watching the same show?

Colton being a good reader like….

Image result for paris hilton reading

First up, is Tayshia, who is honestly too nice and sweet to Colton for giving her a pretty bland and generic break up. She wants to get dumped off camera, which… is not how this works sweetie, hate to break it to ya. Colton continues to sob and shake, of course. She sits down with Chris after the final rose and it’s also pretty generic. The only thing that wasn’t pretty generic was Colton’s new boy-band hair cut. Step AWAY from the hair wax Colton, for all our sakes.

It’s a no for me, Colton.

Hannah G, who we really haven’t seen since night one, is finally back and she’s been scribbling “Future Mrs. Colton Underwood” into her journal before opening the door to her demise. Colton tells her that he thought it would be Hannah in the end but loves Cassie. This feels like Bambi watching her mom die all over again. At the after-show, she serves us an off the shoulder dress, chandelier earrings and a lot of …. filler? Seriously her face was not moving all night.

*not in reference to this experience, her feelings for him, or her upper lip.

So once both losers are put out to Paradise pasture, we finally get Colton going back to Cassie’s suite to win her back. (Enter Night 2) Cassie, who has the emotional intelligence of a 8 year old, is still undecided and giggling through his confession that he shipped the other two off.

We’re then subjected to a minor grilling by his mom, his dad crying (we see where he gets it), and a rock climbing date, before the producers are thrown out for their fantasy suite date! The next morning, Colton gets to wash off the filth of last night, but he feels like a changed man, so that puts the virgin issue to bed, pun intended.

So then why are we watching this show?!?!

Chris Harrison sits down with the happy couple who are “taking it day by day” and aren’t living together, aren’t engaged and have only spent their time since the show doing yoga and incorrectly learning sign language. I’m sure this will serve them well for their People Magazine cover we’ll be forced to read next week.

Colton’s chapter has closed, and Chris tells us that the next Bachelorette will be….. HANNAH B! As my 1st place tie for my least favorite girl this season, (three way between her, Caelynn and Cassie), I’m pretty disturbed that ROLL TIDE PRINCESS gets a chance to “find her person.” Perhaps the biggest issue is that girlfriend can barely speak on camera.

Me when Hannah B walked out as The Bachelorette:

So in review for the season:

Virgin Count: Infinity and Beyond, but I’ll be switching this out for a Roll Tide count with Hannah.

Thorn: It’s hard to decide between Colton, Cassie, half the cast, the fashion choices, or maybe it’s Bachelor Producers forcing their weird “panels” of Bachelor rejects coming together to give us some ESPN style breakdown of everything I’m watching. Seriously, is Ben Higgins being paid by the hour? Is this a tax write off for him?

Rose: All of us, who have cringed, laughed, thrown our remotes and rolled our eyes through this long and difficult time. Will this show ever return to it’s glory days? No. Will we watch it and enjoy the “journey” of loathing these people? Absolutely.

In the words from the freaky suitor she gave a rose to, next season will be a:

Until the next “most dramatic” season of this shit show, enjoy the off season before Hannah B ruins this franchise once and for all! Thank you for watching and reading along with me.

-TW

 

The Bachelor Recap: On the Fence

Alright folks, we have FINALLY gotten to the fence jumping scene we’ve been teased all year and I’d say it didn’t disappoint, only in the fact that it was a the last .04 seconds of the episode. But first, let’s start for the beginning.

After narrowing the field down to Tayshia, Cassie and Hannah G, Colton lets them know they’ll be given another free trip to Portugal to *possibly* swipe Colton’s V-Card. They all seem pretty excited, as they stumble through pronouncing the name of their next destination.

First up, is Tayshia (the only one I semi-like left) who clearly only bonds with Colton over their fear of heights, is smitten. During a romantic helicopter ride, Colton starts talking about…. what kinds of goods Portugal exports….. is this Geography class or the F*CKING BACHELOR?

The rest of the date is actually pretty sweet. When it comes time for the infamous Fantasy Suite, they spend their time spooning….dessert, and then the door shuts. The following morning, they talk about how they loved spending all night talking. WHOMP WHOMP, what a let down. Colton basically admits that he’s falling “in love” with Tayshia, and is more excited for Cassie’s date.

With that said, it’s Cassie’s turn. It’s pretty obvious he is ride or die for this chick and all he can do is think about the best night of his life. During the date, they have an awkward sit down where he tells her that her dad flat out refused to grant his permission to propose. Although it bothers Cassie, Colton has his blinders on and continues to dream of the evening.

Before dinner, a blue minivan rolls up and out comes…. Cassie’s dad! They sit down to discuss, like last week, that Cassie has no f*cking clue what she wants or if she really loves Colton. Meanwhile Colton is ready to GO, ignoring all signs and mentally preparing for the after dinner entertainment.

When Cassie and Colton sit down, it quickly starts to take a turn for the worse. Cassie causally drops the bomb that her dad showed up. The second he hears that, the wheels start to turn. And as the mature 12 year old Cassie is, she slowly mutters out that she cannot get to the place Colton is in the 2 weeks left in this saga. Colton is not having it, and not taking no for an answer.

Colton needs to let go… literally

Essentially saying he’s only into her, and after Cassie barely admitting she’s not “in love” they spend what feels like an eternity of breaking up via weird half hugs/kissing and Colton physically shaking.  Once Cassie FINALLY gets into her uber to sob, Colton loses his shit. The moment we finally have been waiting for has arrived. Slamming the door, cussing and finally taking the fence result in Chris Harrison casually playing hide and go-seek with Colton until we’re interrupted for previews of the rest of the season.

Me trying to get over this season

The last three episodes look like screaming, girls being extra and Colton just crying, which means this really could be the most dramatic season yet.

Virgin Count: Too many to count with Tayshia including an olive oil pun…. and after the first two dates, we can at least count on Colton for still being one.

He’s extra alright

Rose: The infamous fence, for literally doing nothing all season, yet giving us everything at the same time. At this rate, it’s got more personality than half the girls we’ve seen.

Thorn: Chris Harrison, for casually strolling through last night’s episode just to play Man Hunt at a glacial pace.

So many questions left unanswered… is the fence okay, will Colton find love, and what was Hannah G doing while all this went down?

Stayed tuned for the Women Tell All recap and next week’s FI-NALLL-E (as Chris Harrison pronounces it)

-TW

The Bachelor Recap: Hometown Zeroes

The end of February has brought good fortune…. the coldest month is almost over, Lady Gaga is now an Oscar winner, and it’s Bachelor Hometowns. HALLELUJAH!

Hometowns are our chance to see what pack of wolves these crazies have all been raised by, and we definitely get some insight into each of the final four. First up is Caelynn, who I’m surprised to find out is actually from my hometown of Fredericksburg, VA. When Caelynn takes Colton on a literal one block ride to get ice cream, she points out her pediatrician, which oddly enough was my pediatrician. That means Caelynn and I  *probably* shared a crayon box in the waiting room getting our flu shots.

After realizing there is literally nothing to do there, they head to her mom’s house where her stepdad sincerely checks to make sure she’s ready for an engagement and she’s confident that she’s “the one” for Colton (to dump after 8 months and a People Magazine cover.)

At the second hometown, Hannah G takes Colton to an etiquette class where he learns how to chew bread and walk, two things I doubted someone in Alabama would be able to teach correctly. Hannah comes from a long line of influencers  bad haircuts and her family is pretty much as stale and simple as she is. They’re easily persuaded to give Colton a blessing in case he decides he likes her more than the other Bachelorette wannabes left.

“It” being more instagram followers

Colton gets the Birdbox treatment and is blindfolded by Tayshia in the OC and must skydive before meeting her family. Once he makes it back to the ground, Tayshia’s family is actually pretty sweet and normal. Her dad basically shuts down a blessing for Colton, who tries his best to pretend he’s not full of sh*t like for once.

^That being a place of sanity

 

In general, this year all of the dad’s seem to be more guarded, including Cassie’s dad, who is the most apprehensive about Colton, saying “he seems like…. a guy.” So we’ve got that going. When Cassie sees her family, she and her blonde clone sisters squeal and baby talk about themselves and how they’re all perfect. Cassie then whines to her dad about how she’s a big girl and knows what she wants. 8 seconds later, she can barely spell the word love, much less say it to Colton.

Chris Harrison finally shows up to walk the girls five steps into the elimination ceremony, where Hannah G and Tayshia are both given roses. At last, the weird power couple of Caelynn and Cassie will be done, and to my surprise, Cassie is safe. Her crop top and peasant skirt deserved the boot alone, much less her annoying hometown date.

Casual Friday at the Office Rose Ceremony?

Blindsided and “fooled” by Colton, Caelynn is out and we’re reminded that next week we FINALLY get to see Colton jump the fence and maybe go to third base.

Virgin Count: around 4 times, but multiple this number by 800 when we get to the fantasy suites next week

Rose: Cassie’s dad for literally not giving a shit about Colton and flat out denying any sort of acceptance whatsoever

Thorn: My hometown and the producers for not reaching out to me to bring some sort of relevance to Caelynn’s 20 min outing in my place of birth.

We’re finally getting somewhere with this and next week we’re treated to TWO NIGHTS of drama, who’s ready?

-TW

 

The Bachelor Recap: She Said, She Said

We’re 7 long weeks into this show and it seems like these messy contestants are FINALLY living up to their messy potential. Fresh off their travels, the girls move stateside to Colton’s hometown of Denver. Right after Colton confesses that he’s nervous after receiving his THIRD warning that these girls are all basic and can’t commit from Katie, he decides to sit down with none other than Ben Higgins. It makes total sense to seek advice from someone that picked a winner, did an ABC family reality show with her, and then got dumped for her former tinder match….NOT.

The altitude in Denver might be high, but the tension is higher as the girls are all wigging out over who is getting the first one on one. Tayshia is given the honor and spends her date cooking brussel sprouts and talking mad shit about Caelynn and Cassie, essentially confirming the warnings of their inability to commit (unless it’s to being the Bachelorette) are true.

Tayshia is playing a dangerous game here. She’s the only one I   don’t despise and she’s testing the waters by throwing these two early favorites under the bus. None the less, he believes her enough to give her a rose and we’ve got one hometown spot locked in.

Next up is Caelynn, who spends her date on the slopes, talking trash about Tayshia after being told (by Colton) that she’s accused her of not being ready for marriage. I think we all know Colton LIVES for the drama (that he’s created.) Caelynn plays dumb and innocent and slithers her way into the second hometown spot.

A truly Oscar winning performance

Hannah B is rewarded the third one-on-one, and gets to meet Colton’s family. Mr. Clean Colton’s dad tells him to trust his gut about 400 times and later that night, allows Hannah B to profess her love for him before sending her home. Shocked and pissed, she makes it a point to also warm him of other’s intentions. TAKE A HINT COLTON.

Going into to the final group date, it’s obvious that it’s Tayshia & Kirpa vs. Caelynn & Cassie. On the date, it’s Heather who …. dare I  say…. make a mature decision and bows out gracefully. Who woulda thought? In an immature move, Kirpa and Cassie go head to head about what Tayshia said and it’s too much for Colton to bare.

When it comes to Colton:

The writing is on the wall with these girls. Even if it’s hear say, Kirpa is a better human, but that doesn’t seem to matter to him. Hannah G. gets pulled aside at dinner and gets a rose and out of literally nowhere, Caelynn shows up to bitch and moan about what I  assume is the rumors about Cassie. (These two are in a weird little pact and I don’t like it)

Apparently it works because Cassie is given the final rose and Kirpa politely holds back her tears for this moron until her limo exit. RIP to Kirpa, may we get to see you in Paradise where you’ll probably give us absolutely nothing.

So with that, I’ve realized we STILL don’t get the fence jump and honestly:

Virgin Count: 0…. but let’s change it to “follow your gut” Count, where it would be off the chart.

Rose: Never thought I’d say Heather, but even she knew she wasn’t feeling this fool anymore and didn’t want to waste her family’s time next week. She’s definitely Paradise bound this summer.

Thorn: Ben Higgins, for literally NOT GETTING A LIFE.

Next week is usually one of my favorite weeks, HOMETOWNS! We get to see exactly where these crazies come from, and that usually means a crazy sister, psycho dad or clingy mom, or all three if we’re lucky!

See you then,

TW

 

 

The Bachelor Recap: Shiny Objects

Week 6 is here, which means we’re basically half way through this shit show and the drama is *finally* heating up! We’re immediately thrown back into the cocktail party where On-yuck-a and Nicole are still being petty and Colton has had enough.

Quickly, they’re both shuffled out and I say good riddance. As we see this week, the heard starts to get thinned out real fast. The girls, dressed in their best draw string pants and crop tops, arrive in Vietnam. To no surprise, Hannah G. is given a one-on-one and girls like Demi and Sydney are not having it.

Raise your hand if you’re over the producers’ favoritism

At the first one on one, Hannah and Colton basically wrapped like a California roll and start fondling each other in a very disturbing way. After their rub down, Hannah and Colton bond over divorce after she lets him know that opening up is “not really her jam”…… I  wish I  was making this crap up.

To no surprise, the group date is a PHYSICAL ACTIVITY! Right when I’m annoyed that it’s probably another Lululemon endorsed strength training exercise we’re treated to Katie beating the s**t our of Demi, Bad Girls Club style! The real kick in the ass is definitely at the dinner portion of the night. Sydney, who has been pretty under the radar, decides to vent to Tayshia that’s she’s fed up with all these “shiny objects” and Colton not giving a shit about her.

I mean….

She decides to sit him down, and pull an Elyse, by bowing out. Her final warning is to tell Colton that he needs to focus on who’s here for an actual commitment. Shaken up, Colton proceeds to his final one one one with Kirpa. Post chin bandaid, Kirpa’s calm demeanor and relatively levelheaded personality spares her another week with these fame whores, and she’s given a one on one.

After her date, Demi decides to really show “Coco” that she cares and tells her that she is falling in love with him. Not sure if it was the call home to Mommy, or just Demi in general, but Colton was not having it and with that, our queen Demi has been taken out.

Chris Harrison drops another bombshell that they’re going straight into a rose ceremony and everyone is safe besides Katie, who was too good for this idiot anyway. Like Sydney,  and Demi, Katie warns Colton that there are still girls left who aren’t there for the right reasons.

Colton’s all:

Image result for mr krabs meme

With that said, the preview for the rest of the season gives a LOT way, has a LOT of tear, and I’m pretty sure the infamous fence jump is next week, thank you Jesus!

Virgin Count: twice, I’m liking that it’s dropping

Rose: Sydney calling others shiny objects is one thing, the producers panning to Demi, Hannah B and Caelynn is even better.

Thorn: Colton being shocked that someone, randomly, some of these girls may not be there for him or serious…. you kept Heather, what did you expect?

I  cannot wait for whatever the fence situation is about, and who will make it to hometowns!

Until then,

TW

The Bachelor Recap: Kisses and Disses

Happy Tuesday and happy February! In Bachelor Nation, we’ve reached Week 5. During Becca’s season, at this point, they were slumming it in Virginia (and as a native of the state, I’m allowed to say that) but the great and powerful Colton gets to take the girls to Thailand…. ABC is all about playing fair.

Upon their arrival, “never been kissed” Heather is chosen for an undeserved one on one, while Elyse starts to unravel when she realizes that attention hasn’t been on her for two episodes, but more on that later. The producers are doing THE MOST to make this about Heather’s first kiss. Close ups on food, Colton’s mouth, and a bunch of silent pauses finally lead to her first mouth swallowing under fireworks. Before we can get to it, she tells Colton she was seeing a guy after college (so like, last week) for 8 months and had NEVER kissed him.

Back at the Thai temple of crazy, Elyse has snapped. Twisting her hair in a con-air curling iron and putting on her best nude illusion “statement” gown, she quickly makes an Irish goodbye during Heather’s debriefing of her date to see Colton.

She basically mumbles for what feels like an eternity about how she can’t see herself doing the show accepting a proposal in the given time frame with all these other people dating him at the same time.  If her plan was to get this fame whore to drop these girls for her, it failed miserably and with that, she cries herself into the elimination van.

I  had such high hopes for Elyse:

In shock, Colton musters up the courage to participate in the group date, which is basically the girls in Lara Croft Tomb Raider costumes chewing on slugs and learning what trees are. During the evening portion, Onyeka decides to look out for Colton look petty, and tell him that Nicole is only on the show to leave Miami. I’d totally get it if it’s true, but it’s definitely not. Onyeka and her eyebrows play dumb when Nicole confronts her.

The following day, Cassie gets her first one on one date. 99.9% of the date is spent making out in every boat, island and body of water Thailand has to offer. During the other .1%, Cassie asks Colton for advise on how to accept that people will judge her… for NOT being a virgin.

At the cocktail party, we’re immediately treated to another Nicole and Onyeka spat, but only after Nicole tells Colton she’s been a bully. Honestly, I’m so sick of these two, right when I pray Colton has the chance to throw them out, he storms off and we’ll have to wait until next week.

Virgin Count: 3, all from Cassie’s mouth, about how she’s not one. (My eyes continue to roll as I type this)

Rose: Tayshia has somehow managed to guide the storyline, avoid drama, maintain Colton’s interest and get air time each week in an unoffensive way. She’s a Bachelor Unicorn.

Thorn: The fact that we were treated to several clips of Kirpa wearing a band-aid over her chin with no explanation. Did she fall? Did she run out of Pro-Activ? These are the things that keep me up at night!*

*I’ve been informed she needed stitches after trying to take a selfie, so there’s that

Next week’s trailer literally just compiles a lot of confusing clips of crying, shocked faces and Demi preparing to fight someone. So basically it looks like the best episode of the season so far!

Looking forward to being disappointed by it!

Until then,

TW