Bachelorette Recap: Amsterdamnit, Hannah

Alright Bachelor Nation, a LOT has gone down in the past couple of weeks, so I  decided to merge Week 6 and 7’s recaps together for Euro-Trash double feature.

The last time we were together, Hannah almost threw the deuces up on this whole experience, mainly because everyone still hates Luke and is petty. (I  can relate) Hannah resets in Latvia by stripping down to nothing and bungee jumping off a cable car with Garrett, because that seems like the most logical way to get your head back in the game.

The date is a major success, in part to the fact that the second Luke hears about it, he starts to lose it. Ready to interrogate Hannah and Garrett at every turn about how this naked rendezvous went down. Here’s a hint Luke, producers love to piss you off.

Luke Externally

Luke Internally

While the group date is all about Hannah eating cheese and playing nice with everyone, things start to heat up with Peter the pilot. Honestly, every time they’re on screen, the sexual chemistry is like watching 7th graders playing spin the bottle. I’ve seen it on a pool table, we’re seeing it a steam room, we get it and I’m not into it. Regardless, she is and he gets a rose.

This arm placement is killing me

To no surprise, the random leftovers who never got air time, Dustin and Dylan, finally were kicked off so now it’s down to Luke and a bunch of his haters. With only serious options left, we enter Week 7 and we’ve headed to the Netherlands.

Hannah grazes in some TEEEWWW-LIPSSS, as she pronounces them, and then grabs Jed for another one-on-one. He’s only had two, but it feels like he’s had 200. It’s probably that cheesy song he sang her in bed the week before, and the fact he wins every group date rose.

I can’t even look at my darling Jed anymore without replaying all the People.com articles about his girlfriend, his admission of trying to be famous, etc, etc. To no surprise though, he advances once again and then we’re shown that Mike gets a one one one, and Luke, Garret, Colin and Peter Pilot have to duke it out on a 4 on one.

For baby faced Colin, who I  think we all kinda forget was there, can’t stand for this and abruptly leaves. (for Paradise maybe?)

Over it…or Yawning?

Tyler and Hannah get a one on one where they deep throat some nasty fish delacacies and it’s enough to ensure the second spot in the final 4. Our dear Mike doesn’t fare as well and is quickly let go on his dinner date, after Hannah cries at the art during her little Night at the Museum moment.

So with one date left and 2 spots needing to be filled for hometowns, it’s game on for Peter, Luke and Garrett. Within a matter of seconds, it turns into a standoff between Luke and Garrett, which opens the floor for Peter to get a rose.

After an iconic dismantling of a charcuterie board by Luke, it turns into a tit for tat school yard fight.

I hated Luke before, but I  really hated him incorrectly calling Salami, Bologna

At dinner, both men profess their feelings for Hannah, Garrett even saying he’s in love, but it’s still not as strong as her attraction to the dark one, and he’s sent home.

So with four guys left, and a preview of Luke’s demise around the corner, we’re getting to the good stuff.

Rose: I’m starting to actually root for Tyler, who reminds me of Channing Tatum in Magic Mike. He seems to actually like her and not want fame… a concept I’m not familiar with.

Throne: Whoever is charge of wardrobe, because if I  see one more henley worn in a European Church, I’m going to lose what’s left of my mind

I can’t wait to document all things hometowns and report back on whatever (incorrect) decision Hannah makes!

Until then,

TW

 

Bachelorette Recap: Luke Warm

In the words of one of the worst humans this show has given us, I’m VERY confused right now! We’re at the half way point in the season and we are. still.talking.about.Luke.P.

We’re welcomed back to Hannah telling him he’s got to go, so Luke leaves and then literally turns right back around from the dark forest to say that he really wants to stay. So Hannah lets him last another night and just when the guys are braiding their hair and having a slumber party to celebrate, he walks right back in.

Me and the other guys:

The following night, we go straight to the cocktail party. It becomes pretty obvious that the cocktail party is used as a pseudo Salem Witch Trial of everyone vs. Luke and it goes over just as well as you’d expect, horribly.

After what feels like hours upon hours of bitching and moaning, Hannah loses her sh*t and tells everyone, including Luke, to STFU. Hannah’s decided she’s going to have to fuck up on her own, the peanut gallery is going to have to be put on mute.

Me with this whole show:

Everyone walks into Hogwarts sound stage the rose ceremony and prays to GOD that Luke is out, and of course… he’s not. She’s going to learn the hard way that he is the devil.

Chris Harrison then sits Hannah down for a very unnecessary recap for an hour, which I   honestly could not sit through. Shoutout to everyone who told me to save my time.

Rose: Garrett for being so relentless on his path to call out Luke for being a horrible human being.

Thorn: Whoever let L*** P. on this show, because he is single handedly ruining this show.

In other news, Jed is basically a cheater (we can’t even trust the hot ones anymore) and the new cast of Paradise is a walking Fab Fit Fun Box endorsement deal. I’m loving this trashy new cast.

Bottoms up to surviving another week and hopefully making it through another!

Cheers,

TW

Bachelorette: Celtic Chaos

Me currently because my past recaps and stories  have been stalled due to an extremely busy schedule, but also me because we start Week 5 and we are STILL talking about Luke. Once again, one of my biggest issues with The Bachelor/Bachelorette format is that we spend the first half of each season focused on hating the villain and in our case, we’re still in deep with Luke P.

We pick up with Luke S. and Luke P. exchanging dirty looks before Hannah cuts the cocktail party short and wants to start eliminating. Before she can even finish her sentence, Luke S. decides to bow out and tells her to watch out for Luke P. 

It was nice knowing you Nick Viall Jr.

After a hellish time in Rhode Island, they head to Scotland and Hannah is determined to reset with a one-on-one with Mike. Honestly, Mike is so genuine and actually likes her, I  almost forgot that those kind of people exist in this land of famewhores.

The other guys are excited because they get a group date without the threat of Luke P. trying to kill them, and the men compete in a Braveheart-esque physical battle. Although they all suck at axe throwing and keeping milk in a bucket, Jed gives us this moment, so we’ll allow it.

Hannah spends the rest of the date doing a quality check on all the furniture’s durability by making out with Jed on a bench, Ryan on a pool table, and Tyler on the bed. Jed wins another group date rose and I’m starting to get a front runner vibe.

Back at the house, Mike and Luke continue to hate each other and we can only pray that Hannah decides to send the little meathead home. Hannah and Luke sit on cliff (that I  hope he falls off) to talk about how shitty the past few weeks has been.

It’s pretty apparent that Luke only tells Hannah what he thinks she wants to hear, and she wants to know about the important stuff… like…. does he like macaroni and cheese?….. *record scratch** yep, you read that right.

At dinner, he kinda starts to get it, but then resorts back to his old ways of perfectionism and saying everyone loves him.

Hannah:

Luke:

(what are feelings?)

So in the end, like seriously, the last 4 seconds, she picks up the rose and says she can’t give it to Luke. THANK THE LORD JED, we are done with this psychopath….until next week’s preview of him praying in church.

Rose: Mike is still probably the realist of the bunch for calling out Luke at every turn, and actually seeming to like Hannah for Hannah. Not sure why… but at least it’s genuine.

Thorn: All the guys for letting Luke get to them, don’t they know that feeding the monster more attention only makes him stronger?

Next week it looks like a straight up mess, Hannah is on the verge of quitting (but won’t let’s be honest) and Luke is still in Scotland, trying to find his strength to stay.

Let’s all try to find our strength to keep watching!

Until then,

TW

Bachelorette: A Tale of Two Lukes

Pack your bags everyone, we’re at Week 4 and that means the lease is up at the Bachelor Mansion because Chris Harrison lets the guys know it’s time for an exotic getaway to…. Rhode Island…..(no offense to RI but you know what I  mean)

…and poorly designed jackets

As expected, and deserved, our first one on one goes to our resident cowboy Jed. They get to walk around Boston for the day while Hannah rambles poorly recited American history facts that she’s making up and then get to be extra white with the Boston Celtics basketball team.

After their Space Jam roll play, Jed and Hannah go to dinner and the conversation turns to Jed professing his love…..for the limelight. Basically admitting this whole reason he did this show was to get exposure for his Spotify page and along the way, realized he actually is falling for her. How sweet, and stupid of her!

The next crop of guys are given a group date and it’s basically every random (including both Lukes) except Tyler C. who gets the other one-on-one. Everyone’s steroid and protein shake use is put to the test when they’re pitted against each other for a rugby match. Surprise surprise, someone gets hurt and the ambulance edit is in full effect. Another surprise, pyscho Luke goes beast mode on the other Luke (baby Nick Viall) for no reason and it gets ugly.

Footage of me excited of the chance that two guys might fight

At the cocktail portion, Luke P. is backed into a corner by everyone for lying and being a destructive monster but of course plays dumb and innocent. His defense is that other Luke is trying to promote his tequila company and doesn’t care about Hannah. If that’s the case, he’s doing a bad job. Neither is gifted the rose and Hannah leaves the cocktail party (in her weird silk robe outfit) confused as ever.

Have you see this show, Luke?

The next day, Hannah and Tyler C. (the Jupiter, Florida construction worker/model) get to play Deadliest Catch, only after she cried about Luke P for 30 mins. I’m over this sh*t, he SUCKS girl! After another basic ass date, he gets a rose and we’re summoned to the pre rose ceremony cocktail party.

Finally, Hannah and I  agree on something

The party turns into another Luke vs. Luke match and now Hannah can’t trust tequila company Luke, and she knows everyone hates Luke P so she’s conflicted and decides to pull them into  room together, before we fade to “To Be Continued” It’s funny how someone who admitted their a fame whore gets a rose, yet she’s struggling to give Luke S. one? Okay Hannah, sure.

How did he get a phone is the better question?

Rose: This week it goes to Mike, for literally just calling Luke P a psychopath to his face. We all deserved that moment.

Thorn: Whoever the hell let Hannah out of the house all week, EVERY. OUTFIT. WAS. A. MESS. From that tacky leather jacket to the ugly sweater at the fishing date, it was all a disaster. Nothing will be as bad as Becca’s styling last year though.

Next week we’ll see what I  assume is the final moments for Luke S, and then more fighting, making out, and whatever other annoying antics the producers will sprinkle in for us.

Until then,

TW

Bachelorette Recap: Pity Party

Okay ladies and gents, we’re onto week 3 of The Bachelorette, which means producers are comfortable enough sprinkling in B-list celebrity couples and weird sponsored content into Hannah’s search for love, and that’s exactly what we got.

We get thrown right into the first group date, which is a bizarre lesson on babies with the guy from American Pie and his wife…. seriously WHO is writing up these dates at ABC? After some questions about the female anatomy, that everyone fails miserably at, the guys are given labor simulation. It’s the only redeeming quality of the date because I  got a sick pleasure out of watching John Paul Jones basically sit in an electric chair.

During the cocktail hour, Cam (and his blazer/hoodie combo) decide to be literally the most annoying human in the world while Mike receives the group date rose. For as much as I   don’t like her, she is good at picking the right person for the group date rose, thus far.

The following day, we’re simply shown a random ambluence and then a quick clip of Hannah getting an IV of fluid, and not like those ones that influencers get in Miami after a night out. Her one-on-one date with Connor S. quickly turns into him running to the grocery store to get her soup and some cheap flowers. She says she woke up and immediately “passed out”…. you mean you fell back asleep? It was unclear, but I’m assuming the boat/helicpopter/limo driver of the day had to cancel and they needed an excuse.

…a post-it on a house plant….how romantic

She needs her rest so Connor leaves but on his way out, writes in chicken scratch all of his favorite qualities about her on post-its. She later finds them and loves the attention so much, she brings him back out for a completely planned surprise concert of Lukas Graham (who has one of the most annoying voices IMO)  and he gets a rose.

At the second group date, it’s another ANTM homage with a photoshoot, with some Zoolander ripoff “creative director” but we’re quickly reminded that they’re shooting with animals because SECRET LIFE OF PETS 2 debuts in theaters on June 7! Don’t get me wrong, I  love a good animated movie about animals, but this was just a CHEAP move on everyone’s part.

Another cheap move…. Luke being a psycho controlling boyfriend the entire photoshoot and well into the cocktail portion. Finally Hannah started to realize Luke has no chill and he’s quickly cock blocked by everyone including her. The pilot gets the group date rose, but only after using every cheesy pilot pun he can.

please make it stop

The next day, Chris Harrison tells the boys it’s time for a tailgate in lieu of a cocktail party, and they all start to orgasm at the idea of playing corn hole. It’s during this outing that Cam goes for a “pity rose” by telling Hannah about this possible amputation/grandparent dying/giving up a 10 month old puppy saga and it almost works until Mike snitches on him.

Before Cam’s elimination (thank god), Hannah does delivery a subtle read, a skill she’s actually quite good at.

So no pity here, and we’re rewarded for our troubles with a clip for next week and the season. I  will say, based off what’s to come, Hannah has more drama in one hair extension than Becca had in her entire body, she knows what the viewers want.

Role Tide err… Chicken Nugget Count: Seriously, why are Chicken Nuggets getting this much air time?! Not that I’m complaining, but let’s get a Chick-Fil-A sponsored date, not Secret Life of Pets 2.

 Rose: I  love a good snitch, so Mike’s willingness to throw Cam right under the bus is a great reason to keep her around longer

Thorn: The fact that Hannah just causally throws out that Tyler G. (the lego block head who got the first one-on one) “had to leave” this week and we get no explanation. Some online articles are saying he’s a PSYCHO but I’d love to confirm that STAT

Next week it looks like they head to Boston and Jed gets a One-on-one date… so you know I’ll be there.

Until then,

TW

 

Bachelorette Recap: Mr. Wrong

The first full night in the Bachelorette mansion has finished and we’re back for Week 2 of Hannah’s search for anyone but Luke P. love! After skipping around the mansion, she’s ready to get the party started with her first official group date.

Our first group date of the season is none other than a Hannah themed affair, a pageant! This “Mr. Right” Pageant is pretty wrong in general, but is saved for two reasons and two reasons only. 1. Producers decide to class up the joint with real talent and entertainment with Drag Stars Alyssa Edwards and Alaska of Drag Race fame and none other than ANTM’s Miss Jay. (It’s as if my crossover dreams came true, now only if Tyra herself was doing the rose ceremony)

Shante only these three stay

When Alyssa let’s them know they’ll be wearing speedos and performing a talent, my eyes start to roll. But then I  realize that Jed is on the date and then I’m quickly forgiving producers and Hannah for such a christ trap of a date.

To refresh your memory, this is Jed:

I  digress, Jed and some of the others impress and then we’re forced to watch Luke P, who decided his talent is literally telling Hannah he loves her…. it’s been 48 hours honey…. CALM DOWN. WE’VE GOT A STAGE 5 CLINGER.

Hannah and the judges are too blinded by Luke’s abs to remember Jed just did a great job being a second rate Justin Timberlake and is awarded “Mr. Wrong Right.” Luckily it doesn’t matter because Jed wins the first date rose, and that is the finest justice served.

Back at the frat house…errr… mansion, the first one on one date card is read aloud and it’s going to….. Tyler G. I  know what you’re thinking…. WHO? Literally unclear but Hannah calls him a hotter Tim Tebow so sure, let’s go with it. A mud slinging date (where she’s forced to wear all white) ends with a kiss and him saying he’s feeling very connected to her. I’ll point out he’s never looked at her in the eyes once. Classic.

It’s like they’re trying to annoy me with these little bits.

Now it’s time for the second group date, and the junior varsity suitors get to roll around a roller derby and bust their ass for no reason whatsoever. After the outing, they’re taking to that weird abandoned vintage furniture store in LA that literally EVERY season of this show goes too. Does ABC own this place?

It’s all going smoothly and then weird AF Cam shows up to “ABC” (always be Cam) and brings the most pathetic grocery store floral bouquet to surprise Hannah. It goes over like you’d think with the other guys. Basically every guy confronted Cam but no one threw a punch so it felt pointless to me.

As the rose ceremony approaches Hannah B comes in with another dress that’s got a GIANT slit on the side, (is this her signature?) and starts to cry because she’s so happy. She’s soooooo extra. She talks to all the guys and we get this pathetic moment.

I’d say no, only accepting ranch for anyone wondering!

I   can’t forget that Hannah goes XXX with Luke P. taking off his shirt during the cocktail hour and our beloved Jed is subject to being told by producers to walk in walking in on it. She looked like an idiot and Luke is still the worst.

It’s time to make another cut and unfortunately Cam STAYS! But we knew this, as he’ll probably be on a 2-on-1 where he’ll get humiliated, left on a volcano or trapped in a well… whatever the producers find most fitting.

Roll Tide Counter: 0?! Kinda shocked, maybe we should change this to “y’all” because I  know we’d have plenty of those.

Rose: Jed, this might turn into a Jed fan page. I’m just wondering if an EP about this “journey” is gonna be linked in his Insta bio soon.

Thorn: Luke, this might into a anti-Luke fan page. I  cannot wait till he is exposed for the little psychopath he is.

So far, so entertained. Jed is in, we have a few villains and she’s cried so the formula is in tact. Looking forward to see what’s next!

Until then,

TW

Bachelorette Recap: Let the tide roll in

***siggghhhhhhhh**** We’re back folks. The BACHELORETTE has returned and has arrived in all of itss well edited and manufactured glory. After suffering from a pretty dull season last year (sorry Becca) and just a straight up annoying season of the Bachelor more recently (not sorry Colton) we’re finally getting rewarded  more punishment with Hannah B, the roll tide princess who could barely make a toast and is known for her lion roar.

The night begins with some dreaded b-roll of Hannah rolling around in the fields of Alabama (America’s new least favorite state) and being “quirky” and “awkward.” That’s gonna get old real quick, let me tell you. We’re forced to relive the moment Chris Harrison tells her she’s gonna be the Bachelorette (and never work a day in her life while simultaneously promoting DIFF Eyewear, etc.)

So lets get to the first night, after strapping on her sequin dress with the help of Demi (miss you) and Katie, she’s ready to meet her suitors. First, we get a few highlights and public enemy #1 is 100%, Luke P. aka Colton Jr. After basically calling himself hot and then finding God, I’ve already had enough. More on him later.

He already got a copy and paste job of Colton’s Shower scene *eye roll*

Okay, limo reveals…. an Alabama guy is first, no surprise. Then she get’s this string of literal dorks, who can barely utter out the words “Hi, I’m …….” If this was done to make her look better, it worked…. almost. Finally, amongst the trash, the only thing worth looking at, in my opinion, Jed comes through, our resident hot musician from Nashville who’s instagram profile includes a Spotify link. I was all in until he goes:

He’s cancelled… until I  realize he’s still the only decent looking one next week. After him we get John Paul Jones and this Chicago douche who pops out of a box. He was trying so hard to be grocery store Joe, and so horribly failing at it.

Once she clinks some glasses with the group, Luke P. scoops her up like a vulture. Meanwhile, Demi and Katie return in a giant van to go all Maury Povich/Cheaters on Scott who clearly was dating someone back home. This felt extremely staged, again, to make Hannah look better. So after she goes all back woods on him, she throws him out literally, and I  wish she used this approach on 10 others.

Since that drama took over an hour, everyone who didn’t get to talk to her is shit outta luck. It’s already time for the rose ceremony. PS-She gave annoying AF Luke the first impression rose.

So at the end of night one, not speaking to everyone worked against some early favorites including the farmer who knows sign language and the other pilot, seriously, what was up with the pissing contest between the pilots?

The preview for the season looks like a lot of her annoying accent with make-outs and man fights sprinkled throughout. I’m very curious how this season will play out, for now:

Roll Tide Counter: Like Colton’s virgin counter, I’m going with a roll tide version and in night one, we got about 15

Rose: Old Matt Donald, or whatever his name was, was such a sweetheart I’m sad that he wasn’t given another week. Here’s to hoping we get him in Paradise

Thorn: The fact that she gave Cam from After the Final Rose a rose, and now he continues to believe he’s actually a good rapper/match for her.

See you next week for the start of something new… and probably awful!

-TW